15

The Evil Force That is Girl Scout Cookies

If you want to run with the true powerhouses of the world, look no further than the Girl Scouts.  Put down that box of Thin Mints and think about it. How many grocery stores will let you set up a rickety card table outside their doors and sell, cash only, cases of ground beef or sugar bomb cereal?  That’s right, none. But say “no” to a crew of sash wearing, gaptoothed cookie-selling girls?  Never. Especially when they’re chaperoned by…The Cookie Mother.

The Cookie Mother is a highly coveted role, no matter how much your own mother might recount Troop 335 horror stories, circa 1972.  This is a secret requirement of all Cookie Mothers — Never act like you really love this role. Competition is stiff and you’ll risk someone else’s suburban garage becoming the Regional Cookie Warehouse.  Besides, the Brink’s driver would have to learn a new address.

This morning at the bus stop, a week after our regular cookie orders were delivered, our resident Cookie Mother announced,  “I’ve got 14 extra cases of cookies in my garage if anyone’s interested!” All the Bus Stop Mommies sucked in their coffee breath and avoided direct eye contact with the Cookie Mother. Do we admit we already ruined our diet and lied to our children by eating the last three boxes all by ourselves?  That we delayed buying our kids new jeans last month to afford the Lemon Creams?

At that moment I had three major revelations: 

One:  None of us were going to weaken in front of the others.  If we bought extra cookies, we’d do so in the dark of night, after we raided our kid’s piggy bank, waking the Cookie Mother by throwing rocks at her window.

Two:  The Girl Scouts are part of a well-calculated master evil plan designed to test the strength and character of housewives by delivering cookie orders halfway through Lent, when most of us have given up sweets. Maybe they’re also in cahoots with Weight Watchers!

Three:  Giving up sweets during Lent conveniently coincides with pre-spring break-beach-trip desperation diets.  The Girl Scouts and their evil cookie regimes are out to sabotage us not just physically but also spiritually.

Trying to justify resistance to the Cookie Mother is practically futile — “Pay me later,” she taunts. “Just put them in your garage freezer and pull them out after Lent and Spring Break,” she reasons. Like I could sleep knowing they’re out there taunting, “Just one little Thin Mint won’t stick to your thighs…come on, you know you want us….”

No, I will be strong.  I will persevere.  I will… find a rock and set my alarm for 2 a.m.

(© 2011 Karen Rinehart)


Karen Rinehart's columns appear Sundays in the Independent Tribune. Her website is KarenJRinehart.com.


  • Jann

    Oh, BSM!

    I was so excited when I saw your headline–but was very disappointed when I read what it was about. I thought it would be about the REAL reason we should NO LONGER fund the national G.S. organization by buying Girl Scout cookies (tho my 7 sisters and I all sold them for many years growing up as Scouts) The Girl Scouts are now AFFILIATED WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD!

    Go to the Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute
    (C-Fam.org) for more info. The following page has a number of articles about the new Girl Scouts’ brochure called “Healthy, Happy, and Hot,” which is about things too unmentionable for this site. The following link will take you there
    http://www.c-fam.org/publications/id.199/default.asp

  • Mary Kochan

    Thank you, Jann. But please don’t fault Karen for this — she is a humor writer. It’s my job as editor to make sure these topics are covered on the serious side as well.

  • Jann:
    Open up a topic in the Forum about your concern. It’s worth discussing.
    In Christ,
    Michael

    • Jann

      Thanks Mary,

      Karen, please accept my apologies. I do enjoy the humor of your articles but was so shocked and disappointed when I heard about the Girl Scouts (G.S.) that I was surprised to read a light-hearted article about them here. I just try to take every opportunity to make others aware of how insidious Planned Parenthood (P.P.) is and how they take every opportunity they can to reach our children, in particular our daughters. You see, a portion of EVERY cookie box sold goes back the the national G.S. organization who in turn is involved with P.P.

      I was a part of Girl Scouts until the end of my high school years and was the equivalent of an Eagle Scout (Girl Scouts don’t have these ranks). I think, knowing as much about the Boy Scouts as I do (had a son who was a scout for years) there would be a huge outcry from their alums and dads if they caved to the homosexual pressures on them, which they have valiantly fought off for a long time now. But why are so many women silent on the Girl Scout piece? We even have a chapter of the G.S. at our local Catholic parish and elementary school! Our pastor is very conscientious and is monitoring the issue closely since he has gotten resistance from the school’s mothers defending the G.S.

  • Jann

    Michael,

    I did post a comment ONCE on the re-designed Catholic Exchange Forum a while back. Won’t do that again! My comment was about the important and effective work that Life Decisions, Int’l does in the ongoing fight against the funding of abortions and P.P. I was immediately attacked by a male in a very ungodly manner with aggressive and inappropriate language.

    I addressed this directly to the forum’s moderators but never heard back from them. Hence, my switch to Catholic Lane (which I hope to support financially once I am re-employed).

    • Jann:
      I recall the comments you made and thought them well-formed. I was the “Michael” who began that topic of discussion on CE. While you and I may have disagreed, I hope that I was not “disagreeable.”

      Your experience was, unfortunately, shared by a number of posters over the last few years. The CE Round Table was once a vibrant community, and I have high hopes for the CL Forum. I hope to be of assistance to CL by being a moderator and, should I become immoderate, hope that my dear brother in Christ Noel will call me in to line. You may certainly feel free to do so as well.

      Please consider joining the forum as a welcome contributor.

      In Christ,
      Michael

  • Mary Kochan

    Jann, don’t fear. We have better safeguards here. I know who that person is and he will not be allowed here.

    God bless you in your job search. What field do you work in?

  • Tagalongs please!

  • goral

    I like the title of the article and sensed that it would have both humor and truth in it.

    The organization now is feminist through and through.
    Ms. Connie L. Lindsey, the Nat’l prez. of GSA is also an Exec. V.P. at The Northern Trust Company, Chicago, where she is Head of Corporate Social Responsibility.
    “She is responsible for the design and implementation of the overarching Corporate Social Responsibility strategy for Northern Trust and the development and oversight of global goals, policies and programs appropriate to the Northern Trust brand and business unit strategies. In addition, she provides oversight and leadership to Northern’s response to environmental matters as well as social issues within the marketplace, workplace and the community.”

    Aha! Can anyone reading the above description explain to me what the GSA prez. actually does?
    These are the kinds of people that the attractive boxes of sinfully overpriced cookies support.

    The GSA logo has been steamrolled and distorted into
    an outline that only slightly resembles the traditional one and solely for the purpose of getting traditional money.

    I hope the mothers who support it actually get a double chin resembling Ms. Lindsey’s.

    • I pray that they may, by and with the grace of God, reform their hearts.

  • Jann

    Mary,

    I have a Masters degree in communication with emphases on PR/fundraising and intercultural communication. I had been working as the executive director of an area non-profit that rebuilt homes for the under-served before I was laid off.

    I began volunteering just this week to spearhead a campaign for our local 40 Days group to get brightly colored helium balloons made that say, “LIFE!”on them. I saw the clip from the Chicago group and how effective their response “protest” was to the big pro-abort gathering there. In case you missed it, pro-lifers suddenly appeared all wearing brightly colored clothes carrying balloons like this while singing songs. If it goes well and I get the funding, I hope to do likewise for the nat’l 40 Days campaign!

    One point I had not made in my above comments is that humor is one of the most effective PR/advertising campaigns! Hence, my concern with this article. Tom Purrcell would often write wonderfully funny articles on CE but would also make a very serious point, if there was one to be made, toward the end of his articles.

    That’s why an article, such as this one that BSM wrote, is quite dangerous. She has unwittingly done some excellent advertising for Girl Scouts.

    Remember one of the earliest examples of product placement? Hershey paid to have Reeses Pieces in the movie, ET. The little creature ate the candy and sales of Reeses Pieces shot up 65% in the weeks following the movie release, as all the kids wanted what ET had–see Time Magazine article from July 26, 1982,
    http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,922960,00.html

  • EA

    I enjoyed a brief reign as Cookie Mom. The mid-Lent delivery was always a problem for me, although who knows how many Thin Mints I would have eaten if they arrived outside of Lent.

    I had similar problems on the other forum and found Michael to be quite agreeable. I am relieved, Mary Kochan, that you have safeguarded this forum. Thanks for inviting me over here.

  • Jann

    goral,

    This is a quote taken directly from the National Girls Scouts home page:
    “Ms. Lindsey is a Delegate for Vision 2020, a national project focused on advancing gender equality by energizing the dialogue about women and leadership…having received the Most Powerful and Influential Women for 2010 Award, the YWCA Leaders of Color Award (now the YWCA is clearly a pro-abortion group, look this up for yourself)…the Northern Trust’s Chairman’s Diversity Award…and a public and motivational speaker on topics of leadership, mentoring and personal and professional empowerment.

    Now this give us a BIG insight as to where the G.S. are heading!

  • Jann

    Michael,

    The previously mentioned offensive comments were NOT from you, but your humble apology is noted as a gentlemanly thing to do nonetheless. Thanks.

    Mary Kochan,

    Yes, thanks much for alerting me of CL, too! It is in very good hands–yours & your guardian angel’s!

  • Mary Kochan

    Jann thank you so much. My friends and I would not have started this site if we didn’t think there was a considerable audience for it. I dreamed for years of a user-friendly site where I could serve both readers and writers well. It was what I always wanted for CE, but it was not to be. It is hard to start from the ground up like this, but people like you and all these great writers have been so supportive that I am very encouraged.

    Anything you do to let others know about it is very appreciated.