6

Scandal Advice from the Master

Obama-2 CroppedBill Clinton, wearing a white toga and a crown of gold, sat in a garden while attractive women fed him grapes. President Obama, having just suffered the most devastating week of his presidency, sat nearby, seeking advice in the art of telling whoppers. Using the Socratic method of teaching, Clinton began to tutor his new student.

Obama: Teacher! My woe is great.

Clinton: Tell me, my pupil.

Obama: It is true you told many exaggerations and frequently stepped well beyond the bounds of truth, yet your approval ratings prospered. This had been the case with me, too — until last week. Suddenly, many are second-guessing my words — even my friends in the media are turning on me!

Clinton: Well, it is not conceivable that you just learned about the IRS scandal by hearing about it on the news. I laughed out loud when I heard that one.

Obama: Teacher, you are the undisputed master of political rhetoric. You have engaged in activities that would have ruined lesser men, yet you are still loved by many. You must help me master such rhetoric or I may be in trouble.

Clinton: My student, I have been waiting for you to come to me. I will now share with you what I have shared with no other human being about the art of politics.

Obama: Please, teacher.

Clinton: I pose to you this question, student: What is the nature of truth?

Obama: I’m a brass-knuckle Chicago politician, teacher. How would I know?

Clinton: Excellent, my pupil. For the truth is the first thing one must abandon to be effective in politics.

Obama: Teacher?

Clinton: I ask you, student: If a man were convicted of a crime he did not commit, would he not proclaim his innocence with great vigor?

Obama: Yes, teacher, he would do so to pronounce the truth, and in so doing, he would make a convincing case.

Clinton: Yes, and for a man, then, to be persuasive in political rhetoric, he must speak with the same vigor as a truthful man.

Obama: But what if that man is not telling the truth?

Clinton: This is why a man must abandon the truth, student, so that he doesn’t know when he isn’t telling it.

Obama: You are good, teacher! But where I really need help is getting people to believe my words again. I tried to feign anger over the IRS scandal — I tried to show outrage — but people find it hard to believe a couple of low-level agents took it upon themselves to harass some 500 conservative groups. I tried to tell reporters that I did call the Benghazi incident a terrorist attack from the beginning, but they’re certainly not buying that. What am I doing wrong?

Clinton: Your words and storylines are not consistent, my pupil. Keep the stories simple, and do not keep adding elements to them. Consistency is thus: If a man never tells the truth, how can other men determine when he is lying?

Obama: Excellent, teacher! But I worry. Now that AP reporters are aware my administration was snooping on them, many in the press are coming after me. Right or wrong, a new storyline is forming about me: that my administration used the might of the IRS to attack conservative opponents and help win the election. That we put politics above all regarding Benghazi and misled the American people, also to win the election. That my people and I really are hardened Chicago politicians who abuse our power to squash any opposition. My credibility is at stake. How can I return to the level where, when I spin the yarn, my words are effective and persuasive and nobody mocks my exaggerations?

Clinton: You do so the same way I did.

Obama: Teacher?

Clinton: Practice, practice, practice.


Tom Purcell, author of "Misadventures of a 1970's Childhood" and "Sean McClanahan Mysteries,” available at Amazon.com is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Sales@cagle.com or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com.


  • Noel Fitzpatrick

    Let us have an article about Jesus Christ rather than President Obama.

    • Politics is fair game as we lay Catholics have to live in the world. If we can’t talk about the world, how are we going to change it?

  • Noel Fitzpatrick

    I have always been an admirer of the US and believed that twice in the last century the US saved Europe. But now I know, since I read CL, that the US is corrupt and ruled by dishonest criminals.

    I would love a list of the crimes committed by recent American Presidents, and the criminal activities the US is involved in.

  • Michele Marie

    Dear Noel, perhaps if you read a little more closely, you’ll realize that the writers here love the US- and to protect it and the liberties of its individuals, they seek to keep the readers informed. The civil liberties of private individuals have been threatened under this administration. Catholics are being forced to fund abortions, through their institution’s insurance being forced to pay for abortions, and through their monies collected to fund planned parenthood. If we don’t speak up, and become vocal, there will be no talk of Jesus Christ anymore, unless that particular person happens to be a liberal, or Democrat. The IRS basically made sure that no Tea Party and conservative groups could form before the last election. Any that did were harrassed, forced to show donars, who then were audited. So, yes. To protect our religious freedoms, writers should write.

  • goral

    Your logical response, Michele Marie falls on the deaf ears of a hardened liberal. As liberalism is a mental disorder, sound arguments are twisted and interpreted as irreligious.

    Noel is a sycophant, a Kennedy style Irish liberal apologist who has parasitically attached himself to this site. Incidentally, I don’t have a problem with that.
    As he himself is deceived so he puts forth deceptive arguments, hoping that someone will bite.
    There are so many websites that preach Jesus Christ, both liberal and conservative. For some reason he has picked this one.
    Such is the nature of disorders.

  • Noel Fitzpatrick

    Goral, thanks for your comment.

    Previously here it was suggested I have a mental disorder. You suggest I am a sycophant, possibly you are correct, but I do not think I am a parasite. Here I gain great support from sound Catholic articles. All of the regular Catholic
    contributors are solid in the faith, and do not deviate from adherence to the doctrines
    of the Church. We may differ in politics, it would be surprising if we shared all views, but we agree on what is important.

    I admit I am more inclined to write about what I disagree with,
    than with what I agree with, but I try to be positive and honest.

    You say there are other sites that I would find more
    conducive, please let me know which ones you recommend for me.