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Compatibly Incompatible

At the time Mark and I became engaged, our diocese required couples to complete a six-month Pre-Cana program that involved meeting a few times with an older, more experienced couple, attending a one-day retreat, and taking a premarital inventory.

We were excited to complete the program, because we wanted to start things off right. We thought we were doing great, until we met with the older couple to discuss the results of our premarital inventory, a questionnaire designed to evaluate the couple’s compatibility and project their potential for forming a viable marriage.

According to the couple, we’d completely bombed the questionnaire. Mark and I disagreed on many items – too many to assure them of our compatibility – and the couple was concerned. Not only that, but also they recommended that we not get married! We were certain of our vocation to marriage and to each other, so we protested their assessment. With trepidation, they agreed to discuss the matter with the pastor and schedule a meeting for the five of us afterward. When we met, the pastor recommended against our marrying, too.

What ensued was a considerable amount of head shaking, eyebrow raising, and sighing. That’s not to mention the excessive nervousness on the part of Mark and me. Finally, and obviously reluctantly, the pastor agreed to marry us. We were ecstatic and eager to proceed with our wedding plans. That was 29 years ago.

What made us so convinced that the apparent lack of compatibility was not an issue?

We were well aware of our differences. Yet, we also were aware of the power of the graces given to married couples through the Sacrament of Marriage. Husband and wife may receive God’s grace whenever they need it, and that grace has unlimited ability to change, transform and purify.

Based on that, Mark and I added a private dimension to our marriage vows beyond “love, honor, and obey” that secured our desire and commitment to change for each other. We’d been (repeatedly) told the old cliché – “you get what you marry” – that you have to accept the other just as he/she is, without further expectations. We felt that was true, but only to a degree. We believed that “what you marry” is only the starting point. We were convicted that the sacramental graces would help us to change for the sake of the other in order to become the individuals and couple that God had in mind for us to be from all eternity.

Change, in this context, doesn’t mean becoming a completely different person. It means accentuating and improving on the qualities God has given us and working to achieve and develop others. It means opening ourselves to the other’s point of view and squelching the bad habits, annoying behaviors, and obnoxious attitudes that threaten our closeness as man and wife. It means humbly praying together for God’s guidance and persistently seeking Truth.

Let’s take, for example, our daughter’s premature birth and month-long stay in the neonatal intensive care unit. Today she is a lovely 23-year-old woman, but at the beginning it was touch and go. The day before Monica was to be released from the hospital, she contracted a near-fatal staph infection. After three tries, they were able to revive her, but instead of celebrating her homecoming, we spent days wondering whether or not she would live.

I was angry. I’d cry and beat the daylights out of my pillow each night over the agony of watching our baby suffer with the tubes, wires, needles, and restraints. Mark was silent, going about his day as normally as possible in between hospital visits. I took his silence as unaffectedness, which added to my anger. One day, I could take it no more, and I exploded.

“What’s wrong with you? Don’t you care?” I screamed at him. The discussion that followed was one of the most important of our entire marriage. Now I know that Mark’s initial reaction will be silence; he’ll work through it internally, piecing it together in his mind and trying to make sense out of it before responding. Knowing that, I’m content to give him some space before we tackle a hurdle. In turn, he tries to indicate where he’s at so I don’t go berserk while I’m waiting to discuss. He also tries to be more expressive when we do talk.

A couple can be so incompatible that they shouldn’t marry, and I don’t recommend blithely casting off a pastor’s advice. I do recommend calling on the grace promised through the Sacrament of Marriage and the commitment to change for the sake of the other. It’s a great way to both start a marriage and continue one.

This post originally appeared on FathersforGood.org, a website of the Knights of Columbus.


Marge Fenelon is a Catholic wife, mother, author, columnist, and speaker. She’s a frequent contributor to a number of Catholic publications and websites and is a regular guest on Catholic radio. She’s written several books about Marian devotion and Catholic family life and has touched the hearts of audiences in a variety of venues. Her latest book is Imitating Mary: Ten Marian Virtues for the Modern Mom (Ave Maria Press, 2013).
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  • Warren Jewell

    What God and two of His mature, devoted children can bind together, let no man put to doubts.

    Great story – thanks.

  • GuitarGramma

    Great story — and I resemble that remark, er, article!

    On television one day I saw an eHarmony.com ad where their “compatibility questions” streamed by in the background. I knew immediately that eHarmony would have NEVER matched my husband and me.

    And our Engaged Encounter Weekend was an absolute disaster, so bad that we have steadfastly refused to attend a Marriage Encounter Weekend.

    For years I’ve said to my husband, “How can we be so happily married when we don’t even like the same food?”

    Yet we remain so happy in each other’s presence, even after 32 years of marriage. My sweet husband gives me joy; I hope that I return the same to him. Our marriage is a grace from God, sheer grace. We are living proof that nothing is impossible for God.

  • Tarheel

    I have often wondered about compatibility surveys. My wife and will be married 34 years this September. And many, many people were taking odds we would not last two(2) years. My wonderful wife is from the Philippines. We got married in the Philippines while I was stationed there when I was in the USAF. I was in a unit that traveled a lot and was rarely at home the first two years we were married. And then we moved to the USA where she had no family or friends. She knew no one!

    Military pay at the time was low (I was an E-5 and was making about $800 monthly) so we had this strain on us too. She met my family, who were (and still are) staunch anti-Catholics. Plus none of them had never met an Asian before. She had to face the stigma many Asian wives face “They just marry an American to get to the States.”

    Compatibility surveys? Really? Are we sure they are a true indicator of a successful marriage? Just how can a survey reflect a couples desire for a successful marriage?